


Love is written on letters

by FernandaShadow



Category: Avengers Assemble (Cartoon), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Both are hurt, Comfort, Crying, Emotional, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hugs, Hurt, Jealously, Letters, M/M, Probably more characters will add up, Rhodey is mad, Sad, Steve feels guilty and searches for Tony, Suicidal tony, Suicide, The Avengers are sad, They both need a Hug, Tony is missing and they search for him, sick feelings, suicide hints
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2018-12-12 22:34:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11746566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FernandaShadow/pseuds/FernandaShadow
Summary: It's been months since the events in Civil War. Steve is done and needs to see Tony again.But instead he ends up finding something else.Letters.For him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay guys, I must say that there may be some incongruences like Ross not being there and stuff, but ah, ignore it xD. Sorry if I make grammar mistakes os stuff but this is not my first language and my editor is currently busy. Hope you enjoy, I still don't know if this will be short or long but I'll see

The room was silent, in fact, everything has been silent since the Avengers got separated. Everyone was thinking about the fight, about how they hurt each other and Steve... Steve kept thinking about Tony.

He stood up, he felt so tired of all this and he had been thinking about it all for too long now.  
He wanted to see Tony.  
He went to his room and took the phone. If Tony wasn't going to call him, then he would.  
The phone rang. Nothing.  
After a lot of attempts, finally, the phone was answered.  
"Yes?" That was not Tony's voice. Steve stood silent. "Cap, is that you?" It was Rhodey...  
"Yes." Suddenly, he wasn't able to say anything.  
"Is everything okay?"  
"Where's Tony?" There was it, he couldn't hold it anymore.  
"I don't know. He took his suit and left, he asked me not to bother him unless it was important."  
There was a little silence, Steve wasn't going to give up so easily, "Can I go and wait for him there?"  
"What are you saying, Steve? Thats crazy, he won't-"  
"I want to apologize to him. We need to talk, I think I've waited enough for a call I that was never going to receive." He interrupted, he was not willing to wait more time.  
Rhodey sighed. "Alright, you know where we are." He said hanging up the phone.  
It didn't take much time for Steve to get there, he was desperate, so much things in mind... but also, still working on what to say.  
Rhodey received him with no expression on his face. This was, to him, the guy that broke his friend apart, the one who stole his best friend's smile away.  
They went down to the lab, a lonely lab.  
"I'll talk to him, you stay here and don't do anything stupid." Rhodes said coldly as he left.  
Steve started walking around, Tony was on his mind all the time now, he could hear his voice, he kept remembering how broken he looked when he found out everything, guilt instantly came into him. Before he could keep thinking about it, he saw his shield over Tony's desk. Another bad memory.  
He sat down and looked at it, how did all this happen?... he didn't know much about Tony and his parents relationship but he never thought knowing the truth would make him upset enough to lose his mind... well, there were a lot of things he didn't know.  
A piece of paper caught his eye, it looked like a simple note but looking closer, it was hiding something bigger. He took it and as soon as he had it, a very sick feeling came through him.  
It was a letter  
And it was for him.  
He tried to stay calm but he couldn't help his hands shaking, his heart beating fast, he couldn't believe it. He didn't know if he was anxious to know what Tony had to say or if he was terrified for finding these.  
Probably more anxious because that didn't stop him from reading.

-

"Steve,  
What can I say? This fight was nothing but personal...  
I'm really sorry for acting the way I did. You clearly care about Barnes and that... that is what made me lose it even more.  
Yes, I think it was obvious, but you were too blind to see all this; I did everything in my hands for you to stay, and still, you left.  
And by saying "everything in my hands", I mean: I have never begged for someone to stay with me, not my dad, not Pepper... but you? It was so different with you.  
I like the idea of me hating you, I really do. But I can't, I miss you.  
Yes, I miss you. Sometimes I wish your stupid laugh was around, even if you were never laughing with me.  
I may have never noticed this before, but I really did appreciate your companion. I've been all this time doing nothing but thinking how much things we could have done together, how mad I feel for ruining this weird relationship we had. You were starting to mean a lot of things to me and... now that you're gone I just can't stop them.  
Your letter said that you'd be here if I needed you. Well, brave enough to say it or not, I need you. I need you a lot.  
But how can I tell you all this? I just can't face you. The idea of hearing your voice again terrifies me, our discussions won't leave my mind and I really wish I did more, probably, you would be here...  
I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

I'm consumed by frustration, Rogers.

I'm going to stop it now, I know I'll never have the courage to give you this but I couldn't help myself. If I won't get to tell you all this then I'll just take it out, here."

-

Steve felt everything inside him failing, a very unrealistic feeling hit him, was this really happening? Did he actually get to read Tony's feelings like this? There were no lies written on this paper, clearly.

"T-Tony?" He asked to himself while reading the letter again. He felt so ridiculous but he just couldn't hold so many emotions running through him. He was upset, uncomfortable, relieved. A lot of new emotions he never thought he could experiment and yet, his body was frozen.  
He had been thinking all this time that Tony hated him, that he moved on, but after this everything changed. He clearly didn't, he was obviously having a bad time.  
All of this seemed so unreal. Tony Stark writing? What was this?  
He looked at the letter again and his eyes widened when he noticed that behind it, there were more.  
So much more.


	2. Chapter 2

He took the rest of the letters in his hands, he couldn't believe he was now crying. It just felt like Tony had died, like he would never get to get him back.

There were all kind of letters, some filled with sadness, some other with anger... he just started reading more and more. Some were short, others took pages... This was unbelievable.

The most remarkable things written on them were:

"We need to talk."  
"You hurt me."  
"I'm sorry."  
"Why did you do that?"  
"I don't need you anymore."  
"I failed you."  
"I was selfish."  
"You're so selfish."  
"Please, come back."  
"I miss you."

He was now searching for dates, he wanted to read the very last one that he had written to see if he was still feeling like this after all this time.

After some minutes of checking, he finally found the last letter, and it was written just today.

-

"Steve...  
I now see how selfish I was... trying to make you decide between Barnes and me. The answer was obvious to start with. I'm really sorry.  
I know everything I've been writing may sound so stupid. "We weren't even that close." Yes, that's right, we weren't.  
But say that to this endless feeling of emptiness.

Rhodey took your letter away from me, I just couldn't stop reading it... and still, I remember every word.  
I don't understand it, Steve. I don't know why can't you just leave my mind and I don't know how can you make me feel all this by just leaving. You've been a big deal since the very first moment we met, nobody has managed to annoy me that much, and certainly nobody has managed to leave and take a piece of me like you did.

This stupid war just came in to take everything I had left.  
I regret every second for not being able to get into an arrangement with you and I hate me every moment for losing myself when I discovered how Howard and my mom died. We were so close to end it all and now... now it seems like that will never happen.  
I can't keep doing this.  
I always thought that I was alive for a reason, but today... today it feels like I shouldn't be, at all.  
What's the point? It doesn't matter whose fault is anymore, all that matters is what happened and keeps happening, and I don't want this to keep going.  
I just want all this to stop."

-

Now Steve could really say he was confused. This last letter felt a whole lot more desperate. Like a moment of realization, like he gave up completely.  
This last thought made him react instantly, he took his phone and called Rhodey.  
"Is everything okay, Steve?"  
"Have you been able to communicate with Tony?"  
"Not really. You may want to come back tomorrow, this guy does whatever he wants, you know that."  
"Rhodey, has he been acting weird lately?"  
"What do you mean? He is always weird." He replied cold again.  
"Listen" I'm worried, I-"  
"No, no, save it Steve." He said roughly. "I'm looking for him because I need to find him too, you can stay or leave, I don't care." He said hanging up. He was really mad, that was not a good sign.

Now what? He wasn't going to stay there with this sick feeling. Would Tony really kill himself?... no, no. That wasn't a nice thought, but everything felt like he would.  
Well, he could have started searching around for any evidence of where he was but he was feeling so much angst, what if Tony was really thinking of ending with his life?, what if he was doing it right now? He kept trying to convince himself that it was just paranoia... but that didn't help at all. He had no time to lose.

He took his phone again. This time he called Natasha.  
"Hello there, where did you go?" She answered in her usual tone.  
"Nat, I'm here..." he said with his voice shaking, he was still crying, with everything happening at the moment, it was almost impossible for him to notice.  
"Where is "here"? What is going on, are you okay?"  
"No, Nat. I came here to see Tony, I'm at his lab, he is missing and I found some letters, I- I don't know what to do, how to find him, I need to know he is okay and-" he started talking quick, Natasha was hearing now worried, she had never heard Steve so serious and anxious.  
"Okay, Steve, calm down, I'll meet you there." She said hanging up. Steve felt a bit relieved knowing he was going to get some help, after all, he didn't know a thing about tech or a way to find Tony.  
He tried to talk to FRIDAY, nothing, there were no signs of machines working or the AI around so he gave up.  
He took a moment to breathe, he couldn't solve anything until Nat came and he still needed to process all the information he received.  
He couldn't stop crying, it was the first time he had cried like that.  
He didn't know what to feel, he felt so guilty for every decision he made, for treating Tony like he was an enemy.  
He didn't know anything after all this. He just wanted to see Tony, alive.  
"Hey." Tasha's voice interrupted his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for the support in the first chapter <3! Hope you like this one too.  
> Also, I forgot to say in the last chapter that Rhodey can walk, because, as we saw, Tony built him a robotic leg, I imagine that after all this time he can finally walk.


	3. Chapter 3

"Nat, we need to find him, now." He walked to her.  
"We will." She said looking at him worried. "You're crying Steve, what's going on?"  
"I think he is going to commit suicide." He said serious.  
"Wh-Why are you saying that?"  
"Tony was missing, Rhodey told me to wait here and I found some letters he has been writing for- for me. I started reading and-" he showed her the last part of the letter. "This was the last one and it's from today. I tried talking to Rhodey but it didn't work."  
"Okay." She said sitting in Tony's main computer. "Ill find him, Steve."  
"Thank you." He whispered.  
Nat turned to him after some minutes. "What did Tony say in those letters to make you so upset?"  
He sighed. "You know him more than I do, way more. I thought of him one way and then I just read every thought he has had since the war was over... they're so different from what I expected."  
She turned again and kept searching in the computer. "Yes. I thought I knew him too, but when all this started, he did get in a lot of trouble for you. That was unexpected, there was a moment where..." She paused, not knowing if she should continue.  
"Where what?"  
"I don't know if I should tell you all this, Tony certainly would want me to."  
"And he wouldn't like me to read all his feelings but here we are."  
"Okay." She said convinced now. "Remember when Tony told you we just had a few hours to take you with us?"  
"Yeah."  
"Well that's because Ross told us that he would send some people after you. Tony refused, he didn't give Ross a choice, he wanted to talk it out with you once more. He seemed so confident but as soon as Ross left he started feeling sick." She sighed. "I've known Tony for a long if time now, and I have never seen him being so insistent for something like I saw him during that disagreement. He was acting different, he wanted to fix everything with you, he was so disappointed and mad at everything. He wasn't even trying to hide it anymore. I mean, we weren't even trying to hurt you at the airport and... yes, I ended up betraying him too."  
Steve listened carefully, he couldn't picture Tony this way, but then, everything made sense now.  
-I'm trying to keep- I'm trying to keep you from tearing the avengers apart.-  
-You did that when you sign.-  
But, in his defense, Steve was acting out with desperation too, he couldn't lose his friend again. Bucky was everything left from his past now that Peggy was gone, and Sharon... he wasn't for him, he knew that.  
Also, he couldn't have been more thankful for Nat letting them go, but now guilt is here... well, facing Tony after that, specially after what happened with Rhodey, that sure wasn't good.

"Nat-"  
"No, Steve, you don't need to say anything about it. I'm the one who will talk to him later, now let's focus on finding him."  
"Right..."  
The silence invaded the room, Nat continued to search and Steve started wandering around. It stayed like that until something caught Natasha's eye.  
"This is not good." She said serious.  
"What did you find?!" He asked nervous as he approached the screen.  
There were three folders. "For Pepper." "For Rhodey." And finally "For The Avengers."  
They both tried to keep calm, but it was almost impossible. Nat quickly tried to open the third folder for The Avengers but FRIDAY's voice replied. "You're not allowed to access this files at the moment."  
"FRIDAY? Are you back?"  
There wasn't an answer.  
"What do you think about this?" Steve said, all in his mind now was blocking every possible bad answer, he didn't even want to see the evidence in front of him.  
"Steve, I don't know what this folders contain but, it's clear here, he is planning his suicide and probably we will be able to access this files when he is- when he is gone."  
"Then we will never know what's on these files. We need to find him, quick."  
"I'll call the guys, including Rhodey, you get everything ready." They started moving fast, they didn't want to believe it but it was happening, Stark was done.

-

He was looking at the city, been flying for hours now, he had been hoping all his life for this moment. He couldn't feel a thing now.  
This last thought doesn't sound so bad. You can't feel anything, so you won't miss happiness. You can't feel pain either... but what's next?  
Feeling like a machine isn't the end. There are no feelings, there's just nothing inside, nothing but the need to move on, to go to the next thing.  
Everything here is now useless, everything he had ever fought for was a waste of time but, did that time mattered anymore? No, nothing mattered.  
So how was he pretending to end all this? Again, was it important? Not really. It could be any moment, it could be any way.  
There was just a little thing stopping him, but he couldn't even guess what was that, he decided to ignore it, but at the same time, he was trying to figure it out.  
That's why he decided to have "a last fly" in his suit, his creation, and now all that seemed so unimportant, but maybe that could help him to have some time to think?  
He didn't have any hurry, he has disappeared before. And also, everything was already organized, every document or thing that Pepper, Rhodey or even the avengers would need, he didn't want to cause even more problems.

And suddenly, all the hours without sleeping hit him, every thing felt like failing. He felt so tired, heavy. He just wanted to close his eyes and leave right now.  
He closed his eyes, he started remembering everything that got him into this moment.  
It was such a long life filled with all kind of moments.  
But everything felt unreal now.  
And then there was just darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I’m so sorry for taking so long. School you know but this fic is not abandoned ♥️

Chapter 4

"What do you know?" Sam asked. All the available avengers were now on the Quinjet, trying to guess where he could be, there was no information.  
"I just know that I went into his lab and he was missing, so did one of his suits. It didn't sound so weird at the beginning, it's not like he asks me permission to leave." Rhodey answered. "I can't look for him because he shut down every way to communicate. I can't search for anything related to him."  
"Yes, he disabled every way to find him." Nat said as she kept looking files, she wasn't going to give up so easily, some civilians must have seen him, but this was taking a lot of time.  
"Well, they call him a genius for a reason." Clint joined the conversation.  
"You know that with his suit he could be anywhere, right guys?" Wanda spoke.  
"Then we have to try luck. Sam, Vision, Rhodey, get on the air, I need eyes outside in case he is currently flying." Steve started giving orders, there had to be a way.  
"What about the rest of us?" Wanda asked.  
"I need people in here in case we need assistance."  
"I think I can do more, let me go with them, I may find out if somebody has seen him."  
"She can read minds remember?" Clint said.  
"Okay, go."

"I thought she hated Tony." Nat pointed out as the guys left.  
"I talked to her."  
"I thought we all hated Tony." Clint continued.  
"It's not the time." Steve said serious as the conversation got uncomfortable.  
There was a deep silence for some seconds.  
"Then why are you here?" Nat asked to Clint, not being able of letting it go.  
"Nat-"  
"-No, Steve, I really want Clint to answer."  
Clint stayed quiet.  
"That's right." She continued. "Don't forget that Tony is like family to us. Yeah, you got mad for what happened, I get it, but why would you?"  
"Don't you remember where he put us?"  
"He didn't, we put ourselves in there. I was next to him before and I know better, he didn't have a choice, but you don't know that because you came out of nowhere Clint!"  
"Okay, stop!" Steve begged. "You fix your things later. Barton, if you want to leave you're free, but we don't have time for this."  
They decided to stop, Steve wasn't in the mood for sure, they had never seen him so stressed before.  
"Guys, some people saw him flying around The Avengers tower before I got here." Wanda spoke, her voice resonating on the entire Quinjet.  
"I'm on it." Rhodey answered quickly.  
"Vision, enter into the tower and see if he is around, Sam, you go with Rhodey, he can't be so far away." Steve took control of the Quinjet and started flying to the tower. The atmosphere felt heavy, this was serious, this was real.  
No one said a word, everybody was holding their breaths by now, waiting for news.  
"He is not at the Tower." Vision informed.  
"I think I'm looking at something!" Rhodey said.  
"What is it?" Steve asked trying to stay calmed.  
"I don't know but it is going into a nosedive. I'm approaching."  
The seconds felt like minutes. Yes, the avengers hadn't precisely behaved like a family, ever. But still, they had a lot of feelings for each other. After all the good moments they spent together, it was hard to process that it was all destroyed now. Everybody's pride was big enough to never show any feelings, but in moments like these, they were all hoping Stark was okay. Guilt was present for pushing him into this moment, they finally understood that they were missing a lot of things, blaming Tony for everything and not supporting him.  
After everything, they all need a hand, they all need some backup, even if no one will admit it.  
They were just hoping to fix things now, but Tony needed to be alive for this.

"It's him! Sam, Vision, we need to catch him!" They started to go all speed.  
"Not again." Nat whispered remembering Rhodey.  
"I'll get him!" Wanda screamed.  
Steve flew in there, the guys got out from the Quinjet and waited on the ground.  
Everybody had eyes on the scene now. Steve felt so much impotence for not being able to help in this. He felt New York happening again.  
Wanda came running and Stark was near the ground now. The flying teammates were not going to make it.

Wanda's red power was now visibly controlling Tony's fall, it started getting slower until she could place him on the ground gently.

Steve ran to him and took the face plate off... again. He looked so different from what he remembered, he looked sick. He felt a big pressure on his chest now.  
Rhodes approached and started reading his vitals, everyone was staring at them. "He passed out on the suit, all the safety measures were disabled so that's why he was falling."  
"Why did he pass out?" Tasha asked as soon as she saw him.  
"Well, there is not intoxication report or anything weird. I suppose it was exhaustion."  
"What?" Steve asked.  
"Yes, he wasn't getting any sleep again, he barely got out of his lab."  
"What do you mean with -Again-?" Clint asked confused. Rhodey almost forgot that nobody knew Tony’s problems. He decided to stop talking about it, for respect to his friend.  
"Let's go." That's all he could say.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"So whatever he was planning to do, he wasn't doing it at the moment." Natasha spoke breaking the silence at the Quinjet.  
"Thankfully not, he sure thought he had time." Rhodey answered. "And he would have if it wasn't for you, Cap."  
"I'm just glad he is here." Steve replied sadly. Now that Tony wasn't at risk, he had more time to worry about the letters.  
Rhodey opened Tony's suit and took him out. "When we get to the compound, I'll take him to his room. You guys can leave."  
"Why don't we go to The Avengers Tower?" Wanda intervened.  
"Yes, we should... we should talk things out." Clint said surprising Steve. What just happened gave him things to think about.  
"We can go there, but he won't see you all until he is ready... I hope you understand that." Rhodey said. "Remember how things were before this morning? We didn't even talk to each other."  
"Plus, we still have that suicide talk pending." Nat said. "He may have not being trying at the moment, but that doesn't mean he wasn't sure. I know him.”  
"How did I not see this coming?" Rhodey asked frustrated.  
"It's not your fault." Steve answered quickly. He didn't want him to feel guilty, it was everybody's fault. But one thing was for sure, nobody wanted Tony to suffer like that, they were just blinded, it was a huge mistake, a mistake that almost took the life one of their teammates.

They made it to The Avengers Tower, Steve and Rhodey took Tony to his room and the rest of the Avengers stayed out of it.

Before they left the Tony resting, Rhodey stopped Steve.  
"Cap, Nat didn't give me any details, what happened?"  
Now what? He didn't want more people knowing about those letters... it was so personal. "I got worried and called Nat, she checked his computer files and we found something suspicious."  
"And why exactly did you get worried in the first place?"  
"I- I don't know, maybe a hunch?"  
"You're such a bad liar." He started leaving the room. "It's okay if you don't want to tell me, I just hope you know what you're doing."

As Rhodey left, Steve turned to Tony.  
"I'm so sorry Tony..." Words didn't come out, he sighed. "We need to talk." He whispered as he left.

-

"So this means we're together again?" Clint asked.  
"We are already here, aren't we?" Nat replied.  
"The world may need us again, we must stay together." Vision finally spoke.  
Wanda looked at him with a smile. "We will."  
"Steve, I get we are all shocked for this, but change that face already, he is fine and we are fixing everything here." Clint said noticing how his friend was still tense.  
"He is not fine." Steve replied coldly.

"What the hell is going on?" His voice made everyone at the room turn in surprise. Tony, he was awake.  
Nobody could say a thing, they were not expecting him to wake up so fast.  
"Rhodey? What's happening? What are we doing here? Why was I-" He stopped, he started to remember EVERYTHING.  
He started feeling sick, what did he do wrong!? He basically erased himself from life!  
FRIDAY was supposed to get back, his friends would have received a message and important documents were supposed to be delivered, but all that after he died.  
Did they find out? Of course they did, what other logical explanation could this have?  
But how? All the documents were hidden on the computer and he trusted FRIDAY, he also trusted Rhodey, he would never search into his stuff, right?  
Then what?  
He felt uncomfortable, everyone was looking at him waiting for a reaction. He tried to focus, Steve was looking at him with such an intense expression...  
Steve.  
The letters.  
Did he forget to put them away!?  
He started breathing heavily, not sure about anything. His first reflex? He started to run to the first exit.  
"FRIDAY!"   
"Welcome back, boss." The AI answered as it got activated again.  
"I need a suit."  
"Not so fast." Clint managed to stop him.  
He realized that he didn't have an option, it was all the team against him. There was no way to stop them without taking out the suits and giving them fight. That wasn't an option.  
"What were you thinking? Were you really planning to leave!?" Rhodey asked getting mad. "Tony, you can't just do that!"  
He stayed silent looking at his friend, his mind was completely blocked by now.  
"Tony?"  
He walked back to his room without a word, Rhodey following him and the rest deciding to leave them alone.

"That's... messed up." Clint said to break the silence.

-

Tony sat on his bed looking at nothing, he certainly had a lot of doubts but he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear so much truth, they caught him and he was still trying to digest it... after all, he felt like it didn’t matter anymore.  
"Tony, talk to me, please."  
"How did you find me?"  
"We found some weird files on your computer."  
"You would never check my files. Start saying the truth or I'll leave."  
"You're in no position to-"  
"-Start saying the truth or I'll leave." He repeated coldly.  
Rhodey got a bad feeling and sighed. "Steve came to talk, I was searching for you so I left him waiting at your lab. I have no idea of what he found Tony, but he got so worried that he called Nat and then she called me, they told me that we had to find you quickly, that you were planning to-"  
"-Okay." He interrupted. There was some silence.  
"So what?, now we're going to pretend nothing happened?" Rhodey asked changing his tone.  
"I don't want to discuss this, just tell them that I'm fine and that they can leave."

-

Steve stood outside listening. He knew that he shouldn't, but he wasn't going to miss a thing from this conversation.

-


End file.
